Trigger Warning- talk about Suicidal Thoughts and Suicide
You open the letter and it reads:
Open your eyes. I was reaching out for help but didn’t know how. Everything I said, everything I did was misunderstood. Well, either that or you just didn’t care. None of you. I have a hard time with words. It’s even worse when I am emotional. And I have been emotional for a long time. Or really numb, hard to say anymore. I could never really understand my feelings. Feeling hopeless when everyone else was happy. Feeling cold and bitter when others were celebrating the holidays. There is something wrong with me. There must be. No one else seemed to see it. No one saw all the crap I went through in my past relationships either. No one could be bothered to see the effect events and some people had on me. No one bothered to ask about my deployment experiences since I am a woman. Just assumed no issues there, women don’t have to deal with attacks, combat, or anything else. Guess what? We do. We go through a lot. Not many seem to care since we aren’t men fighting in the infantry. No one seemed to care at all. Even when I tried to talk about it. Any of it.
I was told:
“Stop bringing everyone down!”
“You are always so negative! Lighten Up!”
“Why are you _____ (insert Sad, Mad, Upset, Down, etc… here)? You should be more positive like us!”
“Just look on the bright side! It always helps!”
“Smile! You will feel better!”
“Go for a walk! Go to the beach! Take a vacation! It all helps!”
Instead of abuse survivor counseling, I got anger management classes. Instead of help, I got meds thrown at me and some ‘How to sleep better’ classes.
Well newsflash for you all. It didn’t. Nothing did. I tried it all. I tried counseling. I tried medicines. I just got made to feel invalidated. I got treated like a guinea pig to try a bunch of different medicines. No one really wanted to listen. Or help, truly help me. I called out to God, ANY God, The Devil, the Angels… Anyone I thought who might give a damn. Nothing. I have been in despair for so long I can’t see ever getting out anymore. I cannot see the same sun everyone else does.
I am alone. I think I always have been. You all just used me for banter, to make yourselves feel better. “At least I’m not like that!” I bet you all think. I am tired of trying. I am tired of feeling like I am not supposed to be here. I am tired of feeling like I am a constant failure. I am tired of feeling like I just let everyone down. I am tired of being let down. I am tired of feeling like a third wheel every time I go out with people. I am tired of fighting the negative voice in my head that always criticizes me for every little thing. I am tired of feeling like I don’t matter to anyone. I am tired of being the one to initiate any form of contact with friends. Like I don’t even cross your minds. Sigh, I don’t even know why I am writing all this. Doesn’t even matter. No one will even read it to the end anyways. I am easily forgettable. No one will miss me. No one will be bothered to.
Not many will write something so detailed. Often any suicide note is short and meant to assuage any guilt that the person writing it feels. Thoughts of Suicide are never fully about ending the life completely. It is usually an attempt to end the pain and suffering they are going through but don’t know any other way. Despair is so all encompassing that they cannot really see ANY blessings around them. They become blind to them because the depression, despair, anxiety, PTSD, etc… keeps them from seeing anything good at all. They tend to get stuck in a cycle of woe is me, everyone is out to get me, everyone is against me, everything sucks and more. It isn’t always all of those, but many people do feel each of those over the course of a day, a week or even over years- all depending on the severity of their symptoms, situations and traumas that helped create this whole cycle.
It takes Patience and Understanding to help someone caught in this cycle. It takes a combination of good therapy with multiple different techniques, medicines (in many cases), vitamins, a TON of Compassion and the constant reassurance that they HAVE a good support system. That they have people they can count on to listen occasionally, to offer advice if asked for, to make them feel Included, Valid, Accepted and Loved. There are “Higher Powers” that want to help us. Often, when caught in those cycles, people are not receptive enough and don’t recognize the signs and synchronicities that their Spiritual Team is TRYING to help in so many different ways.
When I went through my “awakening”, I found out that there was an entire TEAM of Gods, Goddesses, Angels, Ancestors, Spirits, Animals and more who had my back this entire time. Who had been trying to reach me, been rooting for me, been putting little bugs in my ear about certain things to try. Dreams were what stick out the most for me from my depths of despair. Many were nightmares. Many where attempts at them trying to give me scenarios to fight back against the yuck that held me down in depression. I had no clue until I learned how to talk to them, receive messages and learned to listen better. The best part? WE ALL HAVE THEM ON OUR SIDE!!!! Honestly, quitting alcohol and working on myself was the triggering event that led me to realize they are there.
There is ALWAYS some reason to find HOPE! Helping people find that glimmer of Hope is a huge Drive for me. Once Hope is believed to be possible, then change is sure to follow! Change for the Better!
The note at the beginning of this article is one I would have written if I had thought to write one at all. I was convinced everyone was better off without me. Even my own family. Now I know, I am a force of change. Now I know I am here to use my experiences and gifts to help people in similar situations. To help as many as possible find their Hope. Find their Self Compassion. Find Unconditional Love for themselves and others. My life is a million times better now that I accepted help, fought for myself to receive the Proper care, and keep persevering even when I felt all was lost. If I can drag myself out of my depths (with the help of so many Physical and Spiritual beings), so can you. I Believe in You.
You are Accepted,
You are Valid,
You are Loved.
Much Love and Support,